Thank God I am coming home. It has been hell on this shoot. I have not been terribly happy most of the time, which is very not like me. I could blame it on a number of things: no hot water for four days, always having to rush to get really important scenes which I felt compromised my professionalism, being attacked by ants in bed. It’s been one challenge after another.
But, unfortunately, if I walk my talk, I have to ask myself: WHY DID I CREATE THIS?
You all know my challenges with “having enough” from my childhood, so naturally I took this partly for the money. But when I went into the channel, it really wasn’t about that at all! It was about me creating such hard, denigrating experiences so I could get, once and for all, that I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS and I DON’T HAVE TO CREATE THESE EXPERIENCES TO BE FINANCIALLY SAFE.
So, in other words, I allowed myself to take less so I could be safe, and until I hit bottom I was going to continue to walk into these lesser experiences. So, ultimately, a negative experience created a much greater understanding of myself … as long as I took the responsibility of self-creation. Which pretty much sums up the importance of being your own channel: to access your truth.
So, I sat down and tested EVERYTHING I wanted in an acting experience. Now I have a clear blueprint of the signal and direction I need to put out to The Universe. I feel calm for the first time in ten days. I guess that time was worth changing my life. If you feel challenged, find out why you are in reaction, and redirect the energy. That is where you find your freedom.
“I’m taking all the negatives in my life, and turning them into a positive”