The other night Gabrielle and I were watching our favorite dance show together. Hands down, we always picked the same team for the same reasons. Then we entered a discussion about something important to both of us, and expressed the same words in the same intonation at the same time.
“Get out of me head”, I joked. “Can’t”, she replied, “We’re too connected.” And it’s true. I have never experienced anything like the bond we share: not even with my own mother, which is something to say. It’s almost scary at times.
It is overwhelmingly dramatic and powerful. And that can be scary. Wonderful. Mystical. And scary. Why? Because it can be all-consuming. And when something is all-consuming, you often move out of balance. I can feel me torn now at the prospect that she is getting her life together after this divorce and is ready to set up her own life and move away from me again. There is a part of me that really wants this-for me and her.
I want her to have her own place in the world and experience the complete independence she longs for (I think.) I know that the time of enabling her and protecting her and feeding her must give way to pushing her out of the nest, again.
But I can feel the hurt in my heart for the separation of our connection. The separation of that bond. I know, intellectually, that the connection and bond is, and will always be, there. But I will truly miss the closeness that allows us to touch base at a moment’s notice for advice, love, soothing and laughter. I will just miss … her.
And as I acknowledge the dichotomy of me, the wanting and not wanting, I realize I must integrate all of me into one purpose: her freedom, autonomy, and space while always knowing we are connected by that silver string from my heart to hers and back again. I must energetically let her know that both of us will be alright, because we know, forever and unconditionally, that that string is unbreakable through love.
We are two of the strongest people I know. We can do this.
“THE RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PARENTS AND CHILDREN, BUT ESPECIALLY BETWEEN MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS, IS TREMENDOUSLY POWERFUL, SCARCELY TO BE COMPREHENDED IN ANY RATIONAL WAY.” – Joyce Carol Oates